I bet I’d freak out too lol
In all honesty, the anxious part of me is glad it all fell short. But the passionate side of me hates that I can take pleasure in failure. The intelligent part of me is sick to my stomach how easily I let things take over my mind. And I am conflicted because I am happy and sad and content and furious.
I hate how I rationalize sometimes. I can fucking rationalize failing. I can fucking rationalize giving up. All for the sake of sanity and security. Maybe I am tired of it. I am tired of thinking and cheering myself up. I want to care. I don’t want to recover so easily. I want to feel that pain. I want to give a shit about anything besides myself.
When you are with me, do you really know me? I don’t know if anyone actually reads what I write but think about that honestly. When I am sitting next to you are you really talking to me or just a person mirroring you. Because I do that a lot. I don’t know what to say so I just ask questions in the flow of the conversation rather than what I really want to know. That infuriates me the most about myself. It’s like my consciousness is trapped in a robotic body on autopilot. Like no matter how loud I scream and yell, I am never heard. Like I am fucking watching my life from 3rd person perspective and yelling “Why the fuck is this dumb ass so boring and generic? I could have wrote a better character than that.”
There are times that I wish I could believe in God. Just so I had someone else to blame besides myself. So I can ask questions into the emptiness of existence rather than the loneliness of my consciousness. Sometimes I just want to go in the middle of a field and scream and stop containing myself.
If you ever feel like you just can’t handle it anymore just think about how it will affect all the people who love you. There have been times I felt truly alone and abandoned and then something just pushed you a little more and you feel like ‘I just can’t do this’. But you just have to reach deep inside and just keep reaching for that hope it’ll get better. Just talk to someone - just don’t keep it inside. I promise you someone will listen & someone will care.
United States of America: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
United Kingdom: 1850 60 90 90
Canada: 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433)
Australia: 13 11 14
Japan: 03 5774 0992